You What?

"You what?"
"Are you kidding me, you love illustration!"
"But I thought this is what you wanted!"
"You need to be happy and true to yourself!"
"You need to make yourself happy!"

I heard all of these comebacks and more when I was explaining what I needed to do! It is true, I love illustration and I want that career more than anything. I know it is coming. The truth is that I have some time to wait. How much I do not know - although someone bigger than me has the answer and will tell me to move at the appropriate time.

I am happy now and I am being true to myself! I am obeying my "father" who clearly told me to rest. I am enjoying myself much more now than ever before. Now is the most important time for me. I feel like I am a butterfly in a cocoon maturing and getting ready to break out of the resting place and FLY!

Yes! I have big lofty goals! For one, I very much want to opportunity to travel to other countries and photograph people (portraits) for some unknown cause. Photograph the people, the land, how they live, maybe live with them for awhile. Not sure exactly how this will come into focus, however I count on God to provide the need and clarity.

I also want to illustrate children's books. I want to have a hand in shaping the children of tomorrow. I want to produce books that will be favorites of many children for a long time to come. This will be my contribution to the world! I know my creativity will not be for nothing!

I think true happiness is a blessing that occurs when you are truly doing exactly what you need to be doing at exactly the right time. It shows you have listened to the calling and you are obeying the call; the urge to do what you know you must do.

The Slowdown Realized

Phew! I have to say that after all the anguish and heartache that I have had to experience these past two weeks, I am thankful for "friends" that know exactly what I need. They boldly walked in and spoke the words I needed to hear! "Slow down. Stop! Rest!"

I think this is the perfect time for this to happen! Before I didn't think so, but now I can tell you this is part of my "healing process." I begged God to heal me for so long and now I am noticing so many miraculous changes that I can hardly believe it. I am thrilled to pieces that everything is falling right into place. I have a part to play in all this and I must OBEY for this to work!

I see now that what I had to let go of was the "major drive" and the "stress," and the "anxiety" of my work. The pressure I was putting myself under was downright stupid! I was pushing way to hard. Now, I feel like I am able to breathe. There is a lightness to the day, a natural flow. I no longer keep a "Hitler List" of what needs to be done that day. I do what comes to mind. I spend more playtime with Hannah! I walk the dog, sit and enjoy the sunshine, smell the flowers, and I am floating around the house straightening and de-cluttering as I go. It's exhilerating! After this time passes, I hope to have a clean, functioning home and a relaxed and healed body that I can live the rest of my life with!

I think that's a pretty great thing!

The Dance of Life

"Learn to let God lead in the dance of life!"

That's where I left off! I was travelling 90 mph and hit a brick wall! KaBoom! I knew my friend was right. It was the only logical thing to do right now. Slow down and put the illustration on the shelf. That brought tears to my eyes. I had worked so hard. I loved it. I deserved it! I wanted this for myself more than anything else in my life. Yes - more than getting married and having children. If God had not stepped in before, Jeremy would either be lonely, or married to someone else and Hannah would definately not be here.

I thought back in time for a while. When I wanted a husband, God said not yet! When I wanted a career, God gave me a husband. When I wanted a child, I still had to wait. Then two years later, Hannah graced us with her presence. Through all of this, God has been faithful in giving me what I need at the absolutely perfect time - His time! I can not understand this timing, but I have eternal faith in one more powerful than I can ever imagine. He knows my every desire even before I know it. I can only pray that God will use me and the talents given to me in a truly amazing way!

I mentioned in a previous post that I have trouble dancing. I will probably never enjoy "earthly" dancing, but dancing with God will definately be easier and more enjoyable if I can relax and let Him lead.

Giant Jagged Boulders

For the past week and a half, I've been trying to swallow a giant, jagged boulder!

Let me back up a little. I was so consumed in being a Super Mother and Business Owner. Everything was so busy and if one thing went wrong, the entire balance was knocked of kilter. When my blocks came tumbling down, I felt like I was a bad mother and wife. I never felt like I was measuring up to the goals and image I had set for myself. I was willing to ANYTHING to make the insanity stop.

Then, there was a phone call.

I had placed a phone call to a dear friend who was able to help me see clearly. As I started to mention all the things that were running a muck in my life, he stopped my in the middle. He said, "Let me stop you right there. I've heard enough and my head is spinning!" As I listened to his feedback, I suddenly got a lump in my throat. I knew he was right. It was like God had taken the open opportunity to speak to me right there!

The message was crystal clear: "Be still and know that I AM GOD! Slow down. Take a deep breath and take a look around you. Spend time with Hannah before she goes to school. Focus on what is truly important - family, relaxing, rest, friends. Studying His word. Be happy! Let God fill my heart with joy. Rest in His peace. Learn to let God lead in the dance of life."

Great Expectations

I always expect too much from myself! I often see that other illustrators don't have children, instead they have dogs! I look at the body of work they are able to put out and I get itchy to do the same. I often fall short of what I know I can do because of other responsibilities I have in taking care of my daughter. For me, this is a real stumbling block. I often beat myself up knowing what I am capable of outside of motherhood.

On the other side, as a mother, I know this time is only temporary. Watching Hannah grow up reminds me that time is ticking quickly and soon she will off to school! I would be wrong to wish this time away because I will never get it back.

My career and motherhood is a constant power-struggle in my life. I can not lay down the illustration and photography. I also can not lay down motherhood - it's a 24/7 everyday commitment! Sometimes it's easy to feel a little hog-tied to the house. Bear in mind, my husband has never said or suggested in any way that I should be stuck in such a place. My brain just tells me that I should be the one at home if he's not going to be there! So, here I am.

GF Recipe: Oatmeal Cookies

Gluten Free Oatmeal Cookies

I made these wholesome cookies this past weekend and they were YUMMY!! I took a regular recipe and modified it just a bit. I dramatically decreased the amount of sugar by using Sun Crystals All-Natural Sweetener (3/4 cup replaced the granulated sugar & brown sugar). I replaced the wheat by using my favorite gluten free flour recipe (I will post mine in a later post). I also baked the cookies on stoneware and also silpats. I recommend baking all of them on silpats. They didn't flatten out so much as will the stoneware.

1 cup Margerine or butter (2 sticks)

1 cup packed brown sugar

1/2 cup granulated sugar

2 large eggs

1 tsp GF Vanilla

1 tsp baking soda

1.5 cups All purpose flour

1/2 tsp salt (optional)

1 tsp cinnamon

3 cups GF rolled oats

*optional: 1 cup raisins or another dried fruit. I like chocolate chips or M&Ms.

Directions:

1. Heat oven to 350 F.

2. Beat butter or margerine together with sugar.

3. Add vanilla and eggs.

4. Add flour, cinnamon, baking soda, salt and mix well.

5. Stir in oats and any other optional ingredients.

6. Drop by rounded Tbsp's of mix onto an ungreased cookie sheet.

7. Bake 10-12 minutes or until golden brown - cool 1 minute then remove to a wire cooling rack. Makes about 4 dozen.

Spring Seedlings

Every Spring, I'm always excited to plant my herbs that will grace my backyard and later flavor my food! It's always amazing to me the power that lays inside each seed waiting to burst forth with a little sun and, dirt and water!!

In the Spring, I want to take that same power and "spring clean" the house. I always see the dirt and clutter around the house and I know my work will never be complete. This year I want to try something different! I have vowed to myself that I will spend time going through every closet, drawer, box, etc in the house and decide whether I really need everything that is there. How much could we really live without in order to live clutter-free?

I find myself daydreaming about cleaning the dust-bunnies out under the furniture. It would be a real accomplishment to get this place ship-shape! I plan to make this a May Project. Every room / space in the house needs something: pictures hung up, dusted, picked up, items to Goodwill, trash disposed of, etc, etc.

Track my progress throughout May.

Personality Traits of an Artist

It's been said that artists are mostly introverted. Mostly true! (I'm sure there are others that are not, but I definately am introverted!) I like my time and space. I find that I need to be alone about 6-8 hours a day. That seems rough right now when I am "on duty" taking care of our three and half year old daughter. I am eternally grateful when she has preschool and playgroup during the week. The silence or background hum of the stereo allows my ideas to flow. This also allows me to get to work and let me slip away into my little "work world" that seems so far away right now.

I'm shy. I don't LOVE talking to people. In college I learned how, only because if I was going to run my own business, I needed to be the face of that business. So, I started going to networking meetings and speaking to a lot of people. It got easier as I went, but it will never be my favorite activity.

I am full of mood swings, I am very observant, I am a good listener, and maybe a bit obsessive compulsive. I am a perfectionist -- I can't leave a piece until it is exactly what I pictured, or close to it. I want people to have a clear understanding of what I had in mind. I want them to see what I saw when I got my inspiration. If my viewers don't have a clear picture, what's the use!

I am a bit scatter-brained! I make lists of lists I have to make. I write everything down if I don't want to forget it. I carry notebooks that I chicken-scratch ideas down for illustrations, drawings, paintings, blogposts. If something needs to get done, I have to write it down. Otherwise, no go! Something in my brain says, "it wasn't written down so I'm not doing it! So there!!"

Finally, I'm among those artists who can't dance! I don't know, I think I'm too self-conscious or something. I don't see the point whatsoever. Dancing --- why?? When I was younger, in Jr. High, they had school dances after school. I kid you not I made sure I had a piano lesson on everyday they had a dance. The only dancing you will catch me doing is when I get a book deal!

An Immoveable Force?

I dream of illustrating children's books for the "Big 5!" You know -- Scholastic, Simon Schuster, Harcourt, etc. New York City - Avenue of the Americas! I would even work for the small publishers -- they have great projects as well. I know I was born to do this. I want this! A small piece of me believes that I even deserve this. I mean, I work hard, overtime, too much time to be exact! I pour myself into every project that is mildly interesting! Right now, I am cranking out samples to send to publishers for examples on postcards. I am doing everything I can do right now to market my business of illustration!

On the other hand, I need something very important! I need God to open the floodgates. Sometimes everything feels stagnant while I wait for publishers to call. I'm prepared to wait for awhile. I know this is not an easy endeavor. It takes patience -- I just hope I have enough!

Sometimes God feels like a BIG IMMOVEABLE FORCE!! No matter how hard I push to make things happen on my own -- I fail! I know He has to be with me AND it has to be the right time. Sometimes I just wish I could have a tiny sneak peek into the plans he has for me. Speaking of all this -- my business plan has been blown to smitherines!! I wonder why I bothered making my own plan because I seem to be on His plan.

I know that I AM ENOUGH! Without it all -- I am enough! I don't look to my art for a sense of identity or status. It provides me nothing short of the pleasure to create it and maybe a "peanut paycheck." Yet I know I have the ability to earn a healthy income -- if only money was important to me!
_______________________

I would have told you all of this had I written the post a week ago. Don't get me wrong -- I still feel like this at times. It is amazing what happens when we get that "glimpse" that I have so long been wanting. Maybe it is not me that is the hold up here -- maybe others need to be in the right place for everything to fall just right!

An Artist Retreat

Here's an interesting idea!

If I had my way -- I'd take a vacation all by myself! I'd head to the mountains and find a home-y cabin to stay in -- ALONE!! Leaving the lights, sounds, blaring TV's and the hustle and bustle of the "city" behind. A funny thing happens when the world fades away and you are left to your own "personal peace." You start to hear your own personal thoughts loud and clear. They are no longer strangers living inside. They have center stage. In this kind of peaceful quite state, we can find ourselves -- come to know ourselves better then we ever thought!

I would bring sketchbooks, watercolors, a camera, pencils, pens, pastels, erasers, ink, whatever I thought I needed to express myself. I would create work that is personal, spontaneous and for ME!

I would use this tranquil time to sit in silence and to focus on God. I would pray out all my desires for my life and for others. I bet I would have conversations with God that I could have with no one else. I would present my requests and then SIT & WAIT!! There's power in this -- waiting and listening. Through the listening, we find answers!! Gold nuggets can still be mined in the Rocky Mountains!

I would walk, run, hike. Whatever my body thought it needed to do. I have no schedule, no one to take care of, no one to please, no one to cook for. I would bring healthy, clean food. Quick to prepare -- open the cooler and eat. Raw veggies, light meats, snacks and plenty of my own liquid gold -- GREEN TEA!!

How long would I stay? A couple of days at least, maybe a week. Maybe I would have the sudden urge to build a cabin and move!

Introducing ....ME!!

Hello! I have been looking forward to starting this blog for a while. My hope is that it will be a very open and candid snapshot of my life as I walk the path I have set for me.

To give you a foundation, I would like to share a little bit about me. I am married to a devoted, and very active guy. We have been married 9 years in September. We have a daughter that will be 4 years in August. We have a Gordon Setter which we enjoy taking on evening walks and playing with in the backyard. As a family, we enjoy skiing, camping, watching TV, movies and cultural events. I enjoy roadbiking, walking, listening to music, reading, drawing, painting and photography!

The scope of this blog will cover:
Book Reviews
Working Artist Issues
Parenthood & Career Issues
Creativity
Gluten Free Living
Recipes
Photography & Illustration
Some Mild Christian Viewpoints

My hope is that this blog will be a blessing to all who read and follow it!